A husband found himself in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife angrily told him, "Tomorrow there better be something for me in the driveway that goes from zero to 160 in five seconds or less." The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Married men - What is the most effective way to ensure you remember your wedding anniversary for the rest of your life ?

Just forget it once . .

From Bromham in Bedford comes a story of a couple who drove their Swallow Doretti to the Tesco supermarket, only for the car to break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in situ. The wife returned later to see a group of girls standing by the car, evidently amused by something. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of legs protruding from under the chassis. Although he was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was coming back from the toilet. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

courtesy of AC

Will is having trouble getting his new computer working and calls his friend Dick over to help him.

Dick switches it on and asks Will if he wants it password protected – “Oh yes”, says Will, “I read it in the manual – I think I’ll have DaffyduckBugsBunnyTomand Jerry”.

“That’s an awfully long password” says Dick

“Yes I know” says Will, “but the manual says the password has to contain at least four characters".

She came home early and found her husband in bed making love to a very attractive young woman.  The wife was VERY upset. "You are a disrespectful pig !" she yelled. "How dare you do this to me. A faithful wife, the mother of your children.  I'm leaving you.  I want a divorce straight away"

"Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell you what happened" he said. "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to  me"
He said "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her. I noticed she  was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days !  So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on more weight.  The poor thing devoured them in seconds. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then  I  gave her the designer jeans that you had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too  tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those expensive boots you bought but don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them . . ."
He took a quick breath and continued."She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and asked if I had anything else that my wife doesn't use ?"

A senior citizen from Rushden in Northamptonshire drove his Austin Healey 3000 only on sunny days and with his wife's permission. Taking off down the road, he waited until well away from home territory and floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Love it !' he thought as he reached 95 mph, drifting around the bend. Then he saw a police car in his rear view mirror, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. 'I can get away from him, no problem !" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100 mph. Then he thought 'What on earth am I doing ? I'm too old for this nonsense !'

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Officer to catch up with him. Pulling in behind the Healey, the Officer walked up to the driver's side of the car, looked at his watch and said 'Sir, my shift ends in 15 minutes. Today is Friday. It will take us half an hour to process the ticket. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The Healey hero said : 'Years ago, my wife ran off with the Chief constable. I thought you were bringing her back.'

 'Have a good day Sir,' said the Officer.

A woman walks into a chemists shop and asks if they sell extra large condoms.   “Yes we do”  says the assistant, “Would you like to buy some ?”

“No thanks” says the woman. “But if you don’t mind I’ll just wait here for someone who does ”.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be just eight again" she replied, wistfully. On the morning of her birthday he got up early, made her a big bowl of Coco Pops followed by her favourite toast and marmalade and then took her off to the visiting St Giles fair. What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park, which included The Death Slide, The Wall of Fear and the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster.  After candy floss and bumper cars, she staggered out of the fairground. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. They went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake. Then it was off to the movies to watch the latest Star Wars epic, accompanied by a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lollies and M & M’s. Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed on the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well dear, what was it like being eight again ?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed. "I meant my dress size”.

An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." The jeweller went to his most expensive display of items and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at £40, 000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man said he would write a cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. The jeweller was happy, and the couple left the shop.

On Monday morning, a very ticked-off jeweller telephoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." The old man replied "I know, but can you imagine the weekend I had ?"

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well”,  said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
 "I understand," said the visitor "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
 "No" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view ?"

I telephoned a friend and heard the following recording - "I am not available right now, but thank you for calling.  I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house.  Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No" said Tommy," but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request - "Please God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one (DW-S)

A married couple in their late 40's were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic restaurant.  Suddenly, a tiny fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish "
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling wife in a Ferrari 250 GTO " said the husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and a set of keys appeared in her hands. Then it was the wife’s turn. She thought for a moment and said "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a husband 20 years younger than me ". The husband and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish so the fairy waved her magic wand and the wife became 69 years old.

A young woman in Southampton was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the water when a sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to New York in the morning, and if you like I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose ? Perhaps a fresh start in the USA would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here ?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food, travel to New York, and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."

A bloke is driving along in his car with his girlfriend when he is stopped by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir ?"
"Why ?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly ?"  
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving very well. It was your having such an ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie ?" The barman is amazed but gives the
rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, and then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets around) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the rabbit walks in to a now packed pub and says "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The following night there is standing room only in the pub, as coaches have been laid on and the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie please barman", while smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we're right out of them ham and cheese toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I'll like it ?" The crowds bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I'd let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, waves to the crowd and leaves . .

. . . . . .NEVER TO RETURN !

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form floating above him. The barman says, "Who are you ? "
"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".
The barman says, "I remember you, you came in every night and had a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie and crowds came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "On your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties, you had a cheese and onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I'd love it". The barman said"You never came back, what happened ?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO !" said the barman,"what from ? "

After a short pause, the rabbit said . . "Mixin'-me-toasties".

The telephone rings and the little girls answers -

"Hullo"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone ?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
 
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door,and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Ok Daddy, just a minute"

 A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey ?" he asked
 
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all"

"Oh my God !!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know  you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
  
**Long Pause***
 
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool ?  Is this 486-5731 ?”

Just before Scotland v Brazil at the 2010 World Cup, Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're rubbish and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you guys go to the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a while they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 – 0 Scotland (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself !  More drinks later and the game is forgotten until someone says "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on and see "Result from the Stadium - Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes). They cannot believe it. He single handedly got a draw against Scotland ! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end !"

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony and eventually she screamed "What did you do that for ?"  Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

Divide & Conquer . .

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table -

Background music from Susie Quattro singing "The Devil Get Down, Devil Get Down . . "

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil.  "You're on my list but I've no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to  let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first door. In the room was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the second room, where Tony Blair stood with a sledge hammer and a floor full of rocks. All he did was smash rocks all day. "I'd be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all the time" commented George. The devil opened a third door. George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms secured over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, but finally said,"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go".

This upstanding member of the infamous 18th Street LA gang decided he would hi-jack a truck at gun point. The 
gangster jumped up on the driver's side, with the truck in motion, and stuck a gun in the drivers face. The 
driver opened the door and knocked the attempted thief off. He lost his balance and fell under the wheels of 
the truck. The driver slammed on his brakes, got out and took these pictures on his Fuji disposable camera. 
courtesy of Adrian Critten

Some GTS Equipe drivers decided to save money when they went to France and sleep two to a room. However, no-one wanted to room with Clive because he snored so loudly, as everyone knew from his wife Sue. They decided it was not fair to make one of them stay with him for three nights, so they voted to take turns. Jim slept with Clive on Thursday night, and came down to breakfast the next morning with bloodshot eyes and an obvious lack of sleep. The other drivers said,"Blimey, is it that bad ?"
Jim said, "Bloody right. Clive snored so loudly, I just gave up and read a book all night. I don't feel much like a free practice today".
Friday night was Paul's turn. In the morning, same result - eyes out on stalks and a grey palour. They said, "No better eh ? You look awful !"
He said "That fellow shakes the roof. I could'nt get a wink. Nothing worked to stop that bloody snoring ! My practice times will be crap ".
Saturday night was Tony's turn. He was a big, powerful rugby player and notoriously well endowed. Sunday morning he came down to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, whereas Clive looked tired and stressed. "Good morning everyone," said Tony. Jim and Paul could not believe it. "Why are you looking so well and Clive so bad, what happened ?" they asked. Clive said," I got undressed and into bed. Tony then tucked me in, patted my behind and kissed me good night on the cheek. All night I kept my eye on him and tha

Jim recently picked a new ATT approved primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said Jim was doing "fairly well" for his age. A little concerned about that comment, Jim could not resist asking -
"Do you think I'll live to be 80 ?"
The doctor said, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine ?"
Oh no," said Jim "I'm not doing drugs either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs ?"
Jim said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy".
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking or bicycling ?" asked the doctor.
No, I don't," Jim said.
The doctor asked "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex ?"
No," Jim said. "I don't do any of those things."

The doctor looked at Jim and said, "Then why do you give a shit ?" 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered late one night. On their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father, and asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour if it. When the labour began at 4am, the doctor set the pain transfer to 10% to begin with, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband will still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain at 6.00am after just two hours in labour. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

'Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen for the rest of the day'. John Prescott on April 24th

Traffic Busters . .

David & Goliath . .

Gene Pitney's family have been told it will take three weeks for an oak coffin but only 24 hours from balsa.